My Summer Vacation at Hogwarts!
by Desiree Champagne
Summary: California valley girl Alexa goes to visit her grandmother in London, and follows a tour group right into what she doesn't know is Diagon Alley. She lies a bunch to impress a blondehaired Slitherson, aka Slytherin, boy and it just gets funnier. R&R!
1. And Then Life Turned Weird

**Author's Note:  
**Okay, this is a really weird style of writing, I know, but it's very joke-y and is supposed to be kind of cute-funny. Enjoy and please review, loves.  
I don't get into the HP part in a bit, but the first part is important if you want to get the whole story. 

**PS**- This is NOT meant to be offensive towards the HP kids, the English, Simple plan, or valley girls.  
Okay, those last two are okay to embarrass, I hate Simple Plan and valley girls frighten me.

**Disclaimer**: I do NOT own any of these characters besides Alexa, Jasmyn, Alexa's mum, Alexa's grandmother, and the tour people.

_**Chapter One - And Then Life Turned Weird**_

Okay so lyke. My name's Alexa Autumn, aka the frikkin most popular girl at Heracles High. I live in sunny California, Newport to be exact, where the weather is effing fyne, and the guys are muthereffing FYN-ER. Anyways like I said, I'm supa-hawt, I have guh-ore-jus brown eyes and platinum blonde hair. The dream California girl. Okayyy so lyke don't drool ova meeh, kay? Thanksmuch.

I'm not into reading books, or anything "fantasy" like Dungeons and Dragon Ball Z... wait, I think it's just dragons. Okaylyke whatever. The weirdest thing happened to meeh this summer, and lyke I have to write this report on what happened... lyke, over summer. So I'm writing it right now. Whatever.  
Anyways. To the super-freaky (like FREAKIER than Michael Jackson, rilly.) part.

This is how it started:

I was talking to my total bee eff eff, that's bff to you slowpokes, Jasmyn, discussing about the total nummy boys we were gonna see at the mall later that night. Fo sho.

Then lyke of course, my super annoying mom knocks on my door and is lyke "ALEXA! I need to talk to you, honey." So I totally have to put Jasmyn on hold, which sucks cause I luuuuuuv talking to her lyke, even though her voice sounds like a pig with a cold.  
Anyways, I put the phone down and sit on my bed, glaring at my stupid mommy. I mean she's cool and all but puhlease, interupting my phone con-voes? Nuh, _uh_!

"Alex," she said, and I cringed cuz lyke, I HATE being called Alex, I mean I'm not a frikkin boy, and she's too frikkin lazy to say "uh" after. "I just talked to your grandmother on the phone."

"Which one?" I asked, curling my hair around my finger in boredom. _Ewwwwuh_, I think, _old people_! So gross.

"The on that lives in England. She wants you to come visit her in London."

_Oh, even guhrosser_, I think. British people with their tea and "blood sausage" and rotting teeth. "Are you fuhriggin seriousssss?" I demand, stamping my foot on the floor. "Ugh. When?"

"Next Friday she wants you to leave," my mommy replied, sighing and giving me that "Don't-take-that-attitude-with-me-missy" look. Parents. Right.

"Ohmi_gosh_!" I yelled rilly rilly angrily. I knew my puppy eyes wouldn't lyke work this time, so I think an angry... crocodile would work better. Kay. "But the Simple Plan concert is next week! My gawwwsh mom!" Okay so like I actually told the truth. Hecka scary I knowwwww. I _loved _those guys but all the punks at school made fun of me for that. Stupid outcasts. Rilly.

"Hon," my mom started again, and ewwuh, 'hon' is such an old-person nickname. "Your grandma's getting really old. I think it's about time you see her before she... you know, passes on."

"I will not!" I screamed, and like, if I screamed any louder I would have broken my frikkin hi-def TV screen, seriously.

My mom stared at me for a minute, like, effing studying me or something, so I'm like "WTF" in my mind, rilly. "You're going," she says, like all stern-like, and then she leaves and tells me to start packing because I'm gonna be there for lyke, a month and a half. _Eww, I had better bring teeth whitener_, I thought.  
So I took Jassy off hold and told her the whole thing and all she says is "Nummy British boys. Rupert Grint, Tom Felton, freakkkkk yes," before having to hang up and go eat friggin dinner. DITCHER I know! And all I'm thinking is, "Who the hell are those people?" Whatever.

So next Friday comes in lyke two seconds, and the next thing I know I'm on the plane. It stops in NYC and I take another plane to London. Eww_uh_, hours in the frikkin air. At least I have the new Usher and Ciara albums on my ipod.

Finally, after several effing hundred plays of "Let It Burn" and "1, 2 Step" we're in NYC and then London, and I leave the plane and see my grandmom with her hands outstretched, just looking for me and lyke.. waiting for me. Can you say _stalker_? Yes much yes please!

"Ohhh, my little girl," she yells, and all the hotties just look at me and laugh. So I get lyke rilly PO'ed and tell grandma we better get to her apartment soon cause I needed to take a bath.

So the next morning I wake up and my grandmom's not there, so I'm just like, "WTF." Her maid comes to my room and tells me she's at a doctor's appointment, yadayadayada, and tells me I'm going on a tour of London.

And I mean, I **SO** do not want to look like a tourist cuz like, it's rilly embarrasing kthx.

Everyone else on the tour was effing _uglie_. Like to the MAX. Like seriously, they were in those little flowered button-up shirts and had cameras around their necks and their socks were pulled up till like 3 inches below their knees. We end up touring the city streets with our "proffesional guide," aka some old lady with half her teeth missing and fake eyebrows.

And then, you know, I get horribly lost. And I can't find the tourpeoples ANYWHERE.

I even ask people on the street, but ugh they are like so frikking gross and are just like "Cheerio chum, I don't seem 'em, but join us for tea and crumpets and the stroke of noon!" It's like "HELLO THERE I'm fucken LOST!" Street people. Rilly.

So I spot this red hair, and I think, "Ohshits! Some geek boy on the tour had red hair." So I follow him. I'm suchhh a genius. He's with some other red-headed people, (two adults who I lyke guess were his tourist-'rents, and a girl with red hair) a kid with black hair and glasses, and a girl with rilly big brown hair and rilly big teeth. I mean, if I knew her I'd give her her Xmas gift and be all like, "Say hello to Mrs. Flat Iron and Mr. Braces."

Anyways so I follow them and they turn to a wall - like effing SOLID, kids, what the hell - like it's a door or something, and know what? It opens and they go through it. Some British hideaway from the war or something? Cool beans. So I follow them, and turns out, it leads to some bar place.. er, tavern, whatevers. And they walk around and say hi to people, and no one even says hi to me, they don't even frikkin notice me. Scarieee. Anyways they lead me (well.. without knowing it cause I kinda hid from them, the kid with the glasses was kinda cute) to this brick wall, and the lady taps on on of the bricks, and BOOM.

It opens up and there's a street inside, like an entrance to a different part of the city, I guess. Something like that.

It looks rilly cool, and there's shops with animals and even brooms, I mean wow, these Brits must be clean people then. So I completely forget about the tour cause I'm so busy looking around, and I lose them again, but whatever - I don't care, this please seems pretty sweet, even if the mayor of this place must be on crack or something.

So I walk into this robes store, and I mean, robes - huh? Who wears robes?

Maybe it's some weird English tradition, I think, so I step inside and look around, and some lady asks if I want measurements, but I say, "Pass," cause I'm clueless, rilly.

So then, the little bells at the door ring and the door opens, and I look to see if it was the tourpeople.

No no no, this person was _MUCH_ better. This guy was dressed in all black, and he had bright blonde-white hair and was rilly tall.

Okay kids, our word for todayis "_H-U-N-K_."Ohmigosh, I think I am gonna EXPLODE from how completely gorgeous he is! I mean, his body is totally bitchin'! And his eyes were like effing diamonds, I just wanted to take his hand and marry him righttt there, seriously!

"Heyy, that's a very nice.. uh, shirt," I tell him, trying to get a conversation started.

"Thanks," he goes. Ooooh. I am so hawt for his voice, it's so sexy. It's icy but cute. "I haven't seen you before... I go to Hogwarts. Do you?"

Okay, so like what the fuck is _Hogwarts_?

Whatever, it doesn't matter, I have got to be with this hottie more, so I have to play it cool. "Yeah, yeah, all the time!"

And then he gives me this weird look, and I think "Ohhh shittt, wrong move," but then he shrugs and smiles and asks if I wanted to go get ice cream with him.

"Of course," I say, and I smile at him, and oh - yes, I look in his eyes and I can tell he goes wild for that. All guys do, all guys get hot over my smile.

So we get there and lurk around in the long line for ice cream, and he asks, "So, what house are you in at Hogwarts?"

So I think, Hogwarts must be a recreation center or something like that, and he's asking what building I go to, or something.

I just kind of think about what to say for a bit. Do I make up a name that he won't recognize? Should I make up a number, and it'll turn out there aren't that many houses?

He stares and then he and blinks a few times. "You know... Slytherin, which I'm in, Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff, and ... Gryffindor, but I hate Gryffindors."

Okay, so I can't say Griffin-door (wood carvings.. of birds on doors?) or whatever he just said, or he'll hate me. I can't say Slither-on, (snake handling? ... snakes slithering on people?) because he'll think it's fishy since he won't recognize me... It was down to Huff-el-poof (spanish people? LOL ME !) or Ravenclaw. (bird talon... collecting?)

"Ravenclaw," I say, because well, it's the only one I can say... er, pronounce.

"Ahhh," he says. "Slytherins are best of course... Ravenclaw's second though." He smiled at me. "Ravenclaw girls are smart... smart's sexy."

_Awwwwe, what a sweetheart_, I think.

But I have no idea what kind of mess I just got myself into, oh mye _gawsh_.


	2. I Miss Those Tour Geeks

**Author's Note**:  
Hey kids, review me.  
D:  
I need reviews to boost my confidence.  
:D

**Disclaimer**: Worship JK Rowling

_**Chapter Two - I miss those tour geeks**_

"Aww, you know," I said, looking into this guy's eyes - he had to fall for me. If he didn't, I would lyke, so die because once you see him, you can't get enough, baby. "You're such a cutie."

He looks at me with total lust right now. Fuck yeah. 'Cause you know, dating is a guy is rilly only half the fun. The rest of the fun is just making him drool and making him want you.

Alex, baby, I thought to myself. You are so permanently moving to England. And you're gonna lyke go out with this kid. And you're gonna effing marry him.

"Thanks, gorgeous," he says, and rilly, I'm even surprised, cause even though he's super-beautiful, he doesn't look like the kind of guy who would compliment me. I totally had him under a spell. What I learned later was that I sure didn't have him under a spell - he could have had me under one if he wanted to. "I'm Draco, by the way. Draco Malfoy."

What the freak? I think. what kind of name is that? I swear, it sounds like a made-up name. It reminded me of Jassy's collection of fantasy books about some wizarding school. Haha, who _reads_ that stuff?

"The name's Alexa," I say, careful not to include my last name. Kay, or he could totally stalk me if I broke it off kthx.

So we get ice cream and are eating it casually, and then the kids from the tour walk by. So my guy goes, "Potter and mudblood and poor kids, what are we doing today? Selling your Hogwarts items from last year because you're all too poor to buy new ones?"

The kids just stare. _Huh?_ He knows them? Wow. What a small world.

"Go away, Malfoy," snapped the girl.

"Who asked you to talk, filthy little mudblood?" demanded Draco.

Oh yeah, mudblood. What the hell was that? Maybe it was a nickname for kids with diseases or something.

"Leave her alone!" shouted the boy with the glasses and weird scar.

"Shut up, Potter," Draco sneered. "I wasn't talking to you." _Ohhh boy, he looks so hot when he's angry,_ I think.

"But I was talking to you," said the kid again, and he steps forward all angry-like. Draco pulls a wooden stick out, and I think, _uhm? A modern day jousting stick, what, huh?_

Whatever, this tall blonde old guy comes up and yells, "Draco! That's enough. I don't want you getting expelled," and he pushes Draco away from me. Eww meanie, but he looks like his daddy.

Draco puts the swordstickjoustingthing inside his robe pocket again. Aw, just when it got interesting.

"Fine, Father."

"Especially wasting your time with these mudbloods and famous kids and poor kids..." murmured the old guy. Then he said in a normal voice, "We're leaving soon. Your mom wants to have a feast tonight, since you leave for your final year of Hogwarts tomorrow morning. Five minutes, or less." He walks away, then quickly adds, "_Knockturn_!" before finally dissappearing from my view.

The tour kids leave, and I go, "You know them?"

He tosses his ice cream in the trash. "Yeah, stay away from them. They're idiots. They don't deserve being near you anyways, love." He kissed my cheek. "I have to go. Meet me at King's Cross at seven, bye." He hugs me for a second then runs off.

_Eep!_ I think. _A date, wow, with the most gorgeous kid I've ever seen._

I had to impress him, _oh_ my gawd. He seemed to like this place, so maybe I'd buy stuff from here. He likes those robes, I think, since he went in that store. Okay, I thought. I'll go there.

So I finish my ice cream up and head towards the robes-place, and of course, I see those tour kids again, and the poofy-haired girl and the scar-boy were holding hands and the rest of the people looked like third wheels.

_Damn_, I think. So the cutie's got a girl. But it's okay, anyways. She wasn't even really pretty, plus I had my Draco. My Draco... _my _Draco. I grinned lyke _rilly_ big.

The tall red headed kid walks up to me. "You know Draco?" he asks suspiciously.

"Well, as of today," I say, now not having to be a bitch since my guy wasn't here. "Yeah."

"Hogwarts?" asked the poofy-haired chick. _Ewwuh _I see her teeth again.

I nod, trying to act smart and important. "...Ravenclaw."

"Gryffindor," they all say. Oh, so _that's_ why Draco hated them.

But wait.

I thought they were on a tour? So why did the go to some place here?

Maybe they just went on the tour for fun. Or oh meeh gawd, maybe I didn't follow the tour after all!

Naww, nevermind. It's just the brain freeze from the ice cream getting to me. Whatever, I didn't care, I knew how to get to my grandmother's apartment from here, anyway.

"Oh, cool... I'm doing a report," I say, coming up with an idea. I'm so great, I know. No need for applause. Well _akshully_, yeah, clapplz. "On Hogwarts, you know... andI have to ask people stuff about it... er, their opinions," I quickly add, so I didn't sound clueless and dumb. "What would you say Hogwarts was?"

"Protection," the scarred-cutie says suddenly.

"A very great school," says poofy-haired girl.

Oh, a school? Shit, I really was getting caught up in this lie, even if it only started as a wee little white lie.

Houses?

A boarding school?

Ohhh boy.

Then I remember, Draco's dad talking about him leaving tomorrow.

Tomorrow morning.

When he said he was meeting me.

Because I said I went to his school.

Okay. Brainstorm!  
My grandma was a genius. She could enroll me there in a jiffy. I'd ask her as soon as I got back.

When was I gonna get back oh my gawd? It was getting kinda dark.

"Okay well, gotta go," I say, waving. "By the way, the name's Alexa."

"Oh, bye..." murmurs cutie. "Harry."

"Ron," says the tall red-head.

"Ginny," says the red-head girl.

And poofy lady says, "Hermione."

I hide my laughs as I saunter away, getting some black "Ravenclaw" robes from the weird lady at the robe shop, before heading back to the brick wall and into the bartavernplace and back onto the London streets.

_What a totally freakydeaky day,_ I think, as I open my grandma's door.

"Honey, finally the tour's _over_!" My grandma comes over and gives me a huge hug. _Ewwuh_ she smells like that rilly gross thing you find in the back of the refrigerator three weeks after Thanksgiving.

"Yeah, grandma," I say, rolling my eyes. I laugh. Old people.

"How was it?" she asked.

Uh-oh. I didn't actually go on the tour. So I lie again: "Ohmegosh! I loved it. I want to stay here and never leave. Can I pleaseeeeeee?"

Granny dearest ponders for a moment, then finally nods. She had a doctor's appointment. Did they give her medicinal marijuna?

Whatever. "Really?" I ask, practically jumping up and down, which would lyke so ruin my high heels, so thank gawd I didn't.

"Yes, dear, I need the company.. To tell you the truth, your mummy was planning to send you to live here for a year or so, after all, you're missing the first month and a half of school." Granny just grins at me.

_Mummy? What?_

Oh yeah. English people say "mum."

Anyways.

I go, "Oh! Yesss. Um, can I go to Hogwarts? I heard it's good."

My grandma then stares at me and frowns. "So your mom told you?"

"Told me what?"

"About Hogwarts."

"No.. I just heard the word on the street.. people chatting."

"_Sure,_ honey," my granny says, really thinking my mom had told me something. I just know it. "Anyways, then, you'll have to talk to the headmaster yourself. You leave tomorrow."

So I pack, and before you can say, "What the fuck?" I'm at some railroad station.

The sign says "King's Cross." Oh, so my baby would be here.

Oh yeah. I spot him and head over. He's standing between the 9th and 10th platforms.

"Love," he says, and throws his arms around me. "By the way... how old are you?"

"Sixteen," I say looking up at him, hoping I wasn't too old _or_ too young for him. "Turning seventeen in December."

"Oh, so seventh year," he murmurs, at least that's what I think he says, 'cause he was talking so quiet I couldn't really tell.

He kisses me and goes, "Okay, hun. Let's go." Then he grabs my hand and - _get this_!- **PULLS ME THROUGH THE BRICK WALL**.

Oh gosh! Freaky _shit_!

It was probably like a hollogram wall. Or something. 'Cause I won't believe that we went through it, oh gawd.

_Hogwarts, here I come._


	3. Toot Toot Trains

**Author's Note:** Short chapter, sorry!

I open my eyes and okay so lyke, there's this huge... train? (oh yeah. train station trains. but...)

Ohplease.

A train.

Seeeeeeeeeriuhsly.

Those things still exist?

Whatever.

The train wasn't even the freakiest part, kids. I looked around, you know, lyke checking the scene. And there's the weirdest looking people - I am soooo frikkin serious. People with poofy hair and people who were like seven feet tall, so I'm like... "A mix of geeks and basketball players?" Okayyy whatever. I would totally spill my water bottle on kids like these back home.

Everyone was dressed in weird clothes, like, I saw an old man in a dress - yes, seri-eeh-uhs-ly a flowered sundress. If my grandpa wore that, I'd be glad when I saw the hearse with his coffin in it.

Someone please call the "What Not to Wear" crew! Do it before I throw up on my new cashmere sweater, pleaseeeeee.

And okay, there's all these kids with frogs. Toads. Same difference, kay. And kids have rats, too, I mean, can you see "rabies?" Why do you bring a rat on the first day of school, or a toad, huh?

Maybe it was to pull pranks on the teachers. Yeah, kay, that had to be it. Otherwise, lyke, this school had to be a rehab center. "The English Institution for Drug Rehabilitation." Was that it? Ohgawd. What was I getting myself into? Pranks, I thought. It had to be for pranking.

Then I snap back to reality and look around a lot more. This was rilly weird. Uh-oh.

Okay, Clarissa, explain this: Why were kids bringing owls?

Pretty much every kid there had an owl in a cage.

Isn't thar illegal?

Maybe these kids really were on something. I squeal. Draco looks at me and raises his eyebrow.

Oh, mommy, help me pleaseeee. I think I'm gonna go die in the corner. I'm stuck in some weird train station with pranksters and crackheads. And this train leads to God-knows-what-kind-of-school. I feel lyke... barfy. Ewwwuh!

So I say to my Draco, "Hurry. Let's get in so I can sit, I rilly don't feel hot."

"Oh, you're hot, dear," he says, winking at me. Ohhh. Cute.

But I'm so not in the mood for lovey-dovey so I grab his hand and start leading him inside. We sit at a compartment and I hear that "toot-toot!" sound and we're off, and ohhh man, hand me a barf bag, 'cause I've never been on a train before in my life.

And oh, man, this was worse than a plane to me for some reason. There was this weird feeling in the air and it just made me want to regurgi-whatever last night's "treacle cake."

So it's just me and Draco, just sitting there next to each other, and I feel better just knowing that he shut his trap 'cause I told him my head ached.

Then, of course, three people come in. Three RILLY RILLY RILLY ugly people. Two fat boys, one tall and one stubby-short (aka, weighs too much for his height, someone call Jenny Craig) and a really square-looking girl.

"Draco, my love!" yells the girl.

"Oi!" as the British say.

"Fuck you!" as I say.

Of course I didn't say that. It'd be a rilly weird first impression.


	4. Square Girl and the Two Fatties

**Author's Note:** Please review! I cut the slang so it wouldn't annoy you guys too much. Thank you all for your reviews so far! Keep em comin'!

**Disclaimer:** Who do I own? NO ONE! Besides? ALEXA!

I could so be a cheerleader.

**Chapter Four - Square Girl and the Two Fatties**

Of course I demand to know who this chick is.

"Draco, love, I demand to know who this chick is." Deja vu.

I really do speak my mind.

"Oh, her?" I nod. Yeah. Who else, bub, who else? "She's just this girl that follows me around."

"Just some girl that follows you around!" demands the square girl. "What about the ring you gave me?" She pulled this plastic-y gold ring off. It had a little sparkley thing on it too, like a fake jewel. The ring looked like the rings you got out of the 25-cent machines at Toys'R'Us.

"Oh, that? Goyle's mom gave that to him, I don't know how you got a hold of it." Then he whispers in my ear while looking at the fat dudes: "That's Crabbe, and that's Goyle."

I laugh. Fat kids getting toy rings from their moms. Surely, this could only happen in the U.K.

"No!" yells the girl, and her face gets all red, like a tomato. An ugly tomato. "You gave me this at the beginning of last year and you said you'd _always_ love me!" She starts stomping her feet all over the place. _OMG, this is hilarious!_ I'm surprised that she doesn't fall down and start kicking her legs up in the air like those Berenstein Bears did in one of the books 'cause they didn't get the little cats that squeaked and and stuck out their tongues. I just hoped this girl didn't start squeaking and sticking out her tongue.

"Uh. I don't remember that. When was that?" Draco stares at her and raises an eyebrow, and I am totally happy you know, 'cause I can tell he totally hates this girl, just as I do. Like girlfriend, like boyfriend, as they say. Wait? Is that it...?

"It was after hours in the Common Room last October, don't you remember?" The girl groaned and started crying all crazy-like, like you would when your mom died, or when you don't wake up early enough to go to the Thanksgiving Morning After Sales as Macy's. "It was a beautiful, dark, night..." She gets down on one knee, and looks to the sky. Maybe she's checking to make sure that there's no birds flying around to take a little doo on her. Waittt. We're in a train. I am SO confused.

She continues: "I couldn't see your stunning face, but indeed I knew in my heart that it was the gorgeous Draco. You spoke softly, and we chatted about the treats from the Feast before. You said, 'But you're even sweeter.' And you proceeded to kissing me for at least twenty minutes, then you presented me with this ring. You said that it was a worn old ring that represented Eternal Love, and that you would love me forever, and then you left."

"Soo... why haven't you talked to me about this before...?" My baby looked like he was trying to keep a straight face. Myself, though? I was laughing like crazy. Total LMAO-stuff.

Suddenly she was standing upright, her tears dried, like magic."I dunno! Just never came up. Odd, now that you think about it."

"Oh. Okay. Well, that wasn't me." Draco shrugged.

Dun dun dunnnn. (Now, I bet none of us saw THAT one coming.)

"Then who was it?"

Oh, yes, ugly square girl, let's get all mysterious! In fact, we can join Mystery, Inc. ! And we can find everything out, but only if you have a few boxes of Scooby Snacks! I resisted the urge to lyke yell, "Let's split up, gang!"

"Oh, yeah." Short fattie steps up. "That was me. Sorry, Pansy, I thought you were really hot. I think it's because you look like a square Paris Hilton."

You know, neither of the little fatties had said anything, and that being the first to come out of one of their mouths... Well lyke... That was just kinda scariee.

"Git!" yelled the other one, who I guessed was Goyle. "I couldn't have dessert for a week because I thought I lost it and my mum got really mad!"

Ahhh, this was gonna be a rilly funnie visit. I could tell already.

**A/N**: Sorry for such a shot chapter. Review so I can post more up:)


End file.
